


rocket man

by tennisonthesun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, elton john babey!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21818485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennisonthesun/pseuds/tennisonthesun
Summary: Sam just wants to get warm.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	rocket man

**Author's Note:**

> This one takes place around season six. This is like that in between after his wall broke but it's set before the Born Again Identity.  
> Title comes from Rocket Man by Elton John (obviously) and inspiration comes from a dear friend who happens to love both Elton John and Sam a whole lot.

It wasn't as though Dean was unobservant. He knew something wasn't quite okay with Sam. He had been fine-tuned to Sammy Emotions, and while he had been ignoring that instinct as of late, it doesn't mean it ever got turned off. Dean was pretty sure the off setting was non existent.

  
"Sam," he began. Sam's head shot up. Sam moved a lot quicker than he used to, but his face acted like he was stuck in syrup. "Are you-any hunts nearby?"  
It was a cowardly move, but emotions are difficult, especially when you were never taught what to do with them. That being said, it turned out there was a hunt nearby. Well, nearby by Winchester standards - which is anywhere within a two hundred mile radius. A werewolf pack terrorizing a small town about fifty miles away. A small case for a very small feeling Dean. 

  
They had been going like this for a week or so. Sam had his soul back and Dean waited for the other shoe to drop. Sam acted only a little worse for wear - a little jumpier, sometimes he seemed confused, but mainly he was just Sam. There were dark circles under his eyes and Dean was fairly sure he wasn't sleeping, but then, Sam was one of those people that always seemed a little tired. The job would do that to a person; Dean hadn't seen a well-rested hunter in a long time. 

  
"I'll pack up if you want to go heat up my Baby," Dean suggested, throwing Sam the keys. Sam blinked at them and looked off to the side before going to the window. Dean noted Sam's frown as he peeked around the curtains. Frost covered the plants outside and the Impala. Sam let out a shaky sigh and seemed to brace himself before pulling on a flannel. And a hoodie. And a coat. And some gloves. And, to top it all off, a beanie Dean wasn't even aware they owned. Sam rubbed his hands over his eyes and made for the door. "You know, we aren't having a snowball fight, Sam. Just going from the door to the car."

  
"Yeah, no, I know. Doesn't hurt to be prepared, right?" Sam gave him a nervous smile and shrugged on another item Dean didn't know they had. The scarf matched Sam's gloves. "Meet you out there?"

  
"Yeah...I'll, uh, check us out. Don't think we need to stay in this town much longer."

  
Dean saw the back of Sam's head nod as he shut the door. His hands seemed to shake around the keys gripped in them, but Dean pretended not to notice. It wasn't really a big deal, or anything. People shook for tons of reasons - cold, hunger...fear. 

  
Sam was waiting in the passenger seat when Dean emerged from the hotel office. He was still bundled up in his many layers as he held his hands up towards the heater. It was cold, but it wasn't that cold. 

"Sam, are you cold?"

"Huh?"

"Are you sick?"

Sam gave him a long look and shook his head. He pulled his hands back towards his lap and straightened his back. Dean could see him slowly start to clasp his hands together. Dean contented himself with the fact that he would not be receiving a straight answer from his brother, and so he pulled out of the parking lot without another question.

The whole "driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole" rule was outdated. Dean had decided that about two years ago when he swore he could physically see Sam starting to lose his mind because of yet another Led Zeppelin song. Being stuck in a car for ages with someone isn't fun; being stuck in a car for ages with someone who's blasting music you hate? Well, while Dean wouldn't exactly call it hell, but he knew it wasn't a fun experience. So somewhere along the way he told Sam that he didn't mind him "radio surfing", just as long as he avoided the more current angsty type songs. It had taken a while to get past the hesitation, but eventually Sam was finding stations Dean had never even considered before. Who knew Tchaikovsky could actually make driving feel as cool and powerful as a guy with a mullet shredding it on a guitar? 

  
Sam was radio surfing while Dean observed him. Most of the stations were filled with static - there was never much reception in the mountains. He skipped past a few garbled sounding pop stations and even a station that seemed to being playing folk songs before settling on a Beatles song with okay reception.

_"Yeah, you've got that something...I think you'll understand..."_

"Beatles, Sam?"

"Yeah. I mean, hey, Dad listened to them all the time whether you like it or not." Dean gave him a long look. "It's the only station that doesn't sound like it's being run through a can opener, Dean, so we're sticking with this one. You can choose the station in half an hour, okay? And would you please stop turning the heat down?"

Dean hadn't turned the heat down. Sometimes Sam got a little confused and sometimes, Dean thought, maybe his little brother had real, genuine hallucinations. He couldn't confirm this since Sam could be so stubborn about hiding his feelings and honestly, it wasn't like Dean was really all that wonderful at getting that information from him in the past or present. Dean was hesitant to say that Sam wasn't all there, but the reality was that Sam was distracted, worried, and anxious a lot more than he used to be. And he was also so cold. He was cold all the time. Dean had had to purchase blankets from Walmart on two occasions and bring them back to the motel just so Sam would sleep at night. 

"Sure thing, Sammy. I'll leave the heat alone."

_"I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space."_

"This song is good for the mountains. It feels clear, you know?" Sam was looking at him, hands pressed into his armpits and a soft look in his eyes.

"Yeah...I don't know, I think this song's just sad."

Sam was quiet for a long moment before replying, "It's sad, but I don't think it does the song justice to call it _just_ sad. There's a lot more to it. Few songs have a story line like this, Dean. It's like...it's like he knows he's missing something. Actually, I think he even knows what he's missing and even the way back to it, but he still feels...lost."

_"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell..."_

  
It clicked suddenly with Dean. Sam's obsession with being as warm as possible without physically throwing himself into a fire. Lucifer's words about running cold burned in Dean's ears as exactly what Sam was attempting finally sunk in. _Rocket Man_ continued as they both sat in silence, Baby being the only one making noise. Sam had been trying to keep warm because he simply couldn't bear to be cold. He wasn't sick, he wasn't even particularly chilly - he just desperately needed to feel warmth he hadn't been granted in over 160 years. Dean pulled the Impala over and just sat, thinking and listening to the song while Sam listened beside him. If Sam even noticed the car stopping, he didn't comment.

_"Oh no no no I'm a rocket man...rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time."_

"I feel like that sometimes."

Dean remained quiet, waiting for Sam to elaborate.

"Like I'm here but I'm really not. It's like, it's just...I don't know. Sometimes I'm so sure I have a handle on things, you know? And these little things can just totally ruin everything. I'm not even sure why, most of the time. It's like you're happy and everything's okay and then an anvil is tied to your insides and you're falling forever and before you know it you're just...alone. You're alone and you don't know how you got here, you don't know how to get out and you're just floating in this terrifying in-between of wondering when you get to come back up for air and it's just really, really lonely."

  
Dean watched Sam stare at the window. He's pretty sure Sam was surprising both himself and Dean with this little speech. Dean cleared his throat.

"You don't like the cold, do you? It's because of hell, right?"

Sam swallowed hard and looked down. Dean knew he was going to start crying in a matter of seconds.

"It reminds me of hell, yes."

The quiet admission broke Dean's heart. He suddenly found himself cursing the frost and the snow blanketing the mountain for causing his little brother pain. He cursed himself for not understanding and in the same breath he thanked Elton John for helping him understand. Dean stretched an arm towards Sam and waited for his brother to look at him. Sam scrunched his lips and Dean watched his eyebrows curl up in distress as the first few tears fell.

"C'mere, Sammy."

  
Sam scooted towards Dean and rested his head on his shoulder. Dean leaned his head on Sam's and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Whatever warmth Dean had, he would gladly give it to Sam in a heartbeat.

_"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time...and I think it's gonna be a long, long time..."_


End file.
